If we knew each other years back, say when you were at school or college, and I told you then that years after you’ve finished University, got your first job and even gotten married and started to raise your own family, that your guilty secret is that you do stuff that you know is bad for you, but you can’t stop doing it, would you believe me?
That guilty secret is doing something to alleviate the guilt or the anxiety, or the worry or other negative states, which by doing so increases your guilt, anxiety, fear, or worry, but you still keep doing it because what else can you do?
Justifying the Unjust
We’ve all been in situations where we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. It’s called a double bind and we see it in films all the time. The hero of our story has a secret and someone finds out and blackmails them into doing something that is ‘bad’ but if they don’t then they will spill the beans, so the hero has no choice but to act.
And though we are probably not being blackmailed, we are in such a bind that to alleviate the feeling of anxiety, fear, worry, apprehension, guilt or other negative states, we indulge in a behaviour that harms us, we are like our hero, in a bind and we feel we have no choice but to do it.
Your Guilty Secret That Keeps Anxiety Alive
To illustrate what I mean. Think back to when you were at school and you did something ‘wrong’ and someone found out. In the scheme of things it probably wasn’t that bad, but at the time it seemed that way. Anyway, you get found out and that person threatens to ‘rat’ on you if you don’t comply. As a child you would do what they wanted just to not get told off by the teacher and then your mum or dad and worst still for the whole school to find out what you did ‘wrong’, and be shamed as a result.
We Grow Up, But We’re Still That Scared Child Inside
So imagine now as an adult and you worry about your performance at work, and you’re in the beating yourself up phase, and to stop from feeling like a failure you decide to eat, or drink or shop or watch movies, anything to stop from feeling the shame that you think is coming your way for not being other than you are.
And now imagine that weeks, months, and years of this same behaviour happening, you doing anything to avoid feeling shamed by your lack in some way and now that develops into a bad habit in and of itself, which causes further complications.
Another Layer of Anxiety
Your problem now is that you have the added complication of that behaviour now creating its own set of negative states because you can’t stop doing it. And so it goes on. Each time you try and stop the behaviour that was designed to stop you feeling anxious, you start another behaviour to stop that and you keep adding layers and layers of thinking and ineffective behaviours on top of each other.
And things go from bad to worse because the original ‘bad’ behaviour is now under layers of shame, guilt, worry, fear, and you don’t know how to control it.
This is when you can implode in on yourself and find you aren’t coping with the normal everyday activities because your mind is so full of all the anxious stuff you have to think about and try to push away each day.
Can you see why if left, without some form of intervention, anxiety can ruin not only your day, but your business, your relationships, your ability to make good decisions, and your happiness?
And Like an Onion There Is No Bottom to Just How Many Anxious Layers You Can Suffer From
The issue isn’t always that you have anxiety, because we all do in varying degrees about something, the real issue here is what that anxiety makes you do, or not do and how that affects how you live your life.
It’s only when your anxiety stops you relating to your spouse in loving terms, because you have no brain space left to deal with them lovingly. Or it stops you having fun, or relaxing, or being happy, or travelling or taking a job you really want, or anything that we all take for granted as a normal way to live, that you need to do something to stop adding more layers to your anxiety.
Your First Step
Your first step when you are in this situation is to seek help, support, guidance or therapy.
And though I don’t always rate therapy, it could work for some and it’s surely better than doing nothing.
Your next step is to commit to peeling away the layers that have been built up over years so that you don’t find yourself watching tv to stop from feeling bad, eating whilst watching tv because it’s not numbing you enough, then drinking whilst watching tv because that puts you on a high, then going to bed late because you dream bad dreams when you sleep, then feeling getting run down because you’re not sleeping well, then getting ill because you’re run down, because you don’t sleep, because you avoid going to bed on time, because you’re up late drinking and eating and watching tv, which makes your brain fuzzy, so even if you do get up on time, you’re performing badly because you can’t think, you’re under the weather and thinks just get worse and worse.
And if you think for one minute that the above scenario is fiction, think again, anxiety if left untreated doesn’t just stay where it is, it grows and gets more and more out of hand.
And Now For The Good News!
But it’s not all doom and gloom, because unlike the days before the Internet, most help available then would be just for the monied people, and those who end up on medication from their doctor.
Now you are in the privileged position to be able to reach out to someone and talk to see if they can help you, and usually that first interaction is FREE.
So before you let another day go by and you live with your anxiety, remember like dominoes if pushed, it has a negative effect on everything.
So reach out to me, or someone else and do something to help you do only those behaviours that enhance your life, empower you and lessen those behaviours that feed your anxious thoughts and temperament.
Here’s to breaking the anxious cycle
Speak soon
Elaine
