Have you ever been in a situation where your good advice or support fell on deaf ears? The other person made all the right noises but you knew that they weren’t going to implement what you told them and after a while you either thought it must be you, and someone else could get them to change, or you realised that they simply did not really want to change.
Unfortunately, despite how ‘bad’ someone’s situation might be, if they aren’t ready to change then there is nothing you or I can do to make them change. Think about it from your own experience, someone I’m sure in your life has tried to convince you of something, and they just didn’t convince you no matter how plausible it sounded.
So let’s say that you recognise that you have received some good advice or you want to make changes, but you stall or simply do not do what is necessary, could you possibly change and ‘make’ yourself do it?
The answer is no, not really, at least not over the long term, especially if you aren’t really aware that you aren’t ready.
Clues You Aren’t Really Ready
I want you to imagine that you are sitting down with me, or in the current climate, on Zoom and we’re having a session. And you tell me that you want to be in a great relationship, or you want to feel more comfortable at work, heck you just want to feel okay every day and not feel like life is too big for you to handle, so far so good.
So I ask you some questions to zoom in as to why you aren’t living like that now which you duly answer and it’s when we get to the implementation part that things change, because it’s then you ‘yeah but…’ me
Yeah But…
You’ve heard it before from people you know, they say one thing and do another, and one of the tell tale signs is – yeah but.. and with this you know that whatever you say they are going to object to and things won’t change.
If you find that no matter what you say you want but nothing’s changing, then maybe you’re yeah butting yourself too. It’s simple to do, all you have to do is come up with excuses, or reasons why you can’t do something and that will stop you for sure.
And it’s not that you are doing something weird, we all do it, but are you aware that this might be a sign that you simply aren’t ready to change? And the reasons why you aren’t ready are too varied to even guess at, only you know what that may be, the trouble is it might be buried too deep for you to see.
The Tale of Two Parts
Have you ever heard the expression, part of me wants to go to the party, but part of me doesn’t? ( not the party part, the part of me part) This is a common expression, but did you know that within that expression lies the true reason for stalling?
As much as we aren’t split into parts, per se, these words betray what is really going on under the service of your thinking that indicates
1) That you aren’t ready to change
2) Why you aren’t ready to change.
Let’s say that as you’re sitting with me, I ask you to try something in your real life or ask you why you haven’t done what you say you want to do and you come back at me with, …’well part of me wants to… but another part of me doesn’t’
Can you see that you’ve told yourself the real reason you aren’t moving along?
A Real Life Example
A client of mine wanted to feel comfortable being alone and knew that they were just clinging onto people who weren’t good for their mental state, but it was better than being alone. Their words were- ‘Well part of me wants to feel comfortable being on my own more, but part of me hates the idea and then I feel panicked about it and back off’
Can you hear the real reason why no amount of support, pushing, convincing, showing how good it would be for them to change, will actually make any difference because there is part of them that hates the idea of doing it? ( in this case being alone more) And as you and I both know, if we hate doing something what is the likelihood that we will actually do it?
What You Can Hear You Can Do Something About
With my skill I am able to pick up on the clues to inaction from what my clients tell me, but can you hear this within yourself? We all have an internal voice, sometimes it’s loud and sometimes it’s not, but it’s always communicating with us, or should I say we are always talking to ourselves whether we are aware of it or not.
If you can catch your internal dialogue and really listen to it, you will often hear why you aren’t doing what you would love to do and why anxiety, avoidance behaviours, panic attacks and all manner of behaviours are there. What you can hear you can do something about.
So there are clues to whether you really want to change from the actions you take and from what you say to yourself when no one’s listening. Pick up on this and you’ll be able, with the help of myself or your therapist, be really ready to change and conquer your anxiety.
Let me know how I can help you with this
Speak soon
Elaine
