You’ve probably heard that saying no is one of the most challenging skills to do well, so that other people, or the other person you’re saying no to doesn’t get upset. And I completely agree that saying no is an art and those who can carry this off deserve their place in history as the most skilful of people.
And yet, without saying no we would all be subject to doing things that aren’t in our own best interests, and then yet again, saying no can harm not only you but those you love, and make life more difficult for you too, and here’s why.
The Path To Anxiety
Most if not all of my clients, or would be clients come to me because they have an issue or problem that they find difficult to solve by themselves, indeed, because they have left things a little late, things can get on top of them and call overwhelm then, which can then cause worry, then fear, and eventually anxiety if it goes on for too long. So the answer is to say no to those things that cause the fear or the worry so avoid escalating into anxiety.
Familiarity Can Keep You Anxious For Longer
So if I’m there at this time and I’m saying, look I have this fabulous and effective way for you to conquer your anxiety and it will involve some of your time, your thinking and your efforts, when people typically feel anxious, the last thing they want is another thing to think about.
They want things to stay pretty much as they are now because then they know where they are, and coming to see me and changing things comes under that heading of I can’t cope with what I’ve got on at the moment, so, I certainly can’t cope with something new. So they say no thank you Elaine, I’ve got too much on at the moment to deal with this, I’ll do it later when things calm down.
And their anxiety gets worse and so does the situation that causes the anxiety and so do the people around them.
If Only You Lived In A Bubble
Imagine it like this.
You feel anxious about work, or a relationship or anything and you come to see me. We talk and agree that conquering your anxiety is the way to go. Then something happens and you get hit by another problem that leaves you emotionally exhausted, so you say NO to me helping you conquer your anxiety, you will do this, but at some later date when things calm down. I’m sure you’ve been here haven’t you?
A few weeks pass, then a few months and so many things have happened, notably your relationships aren’t flourishing and it seems as though you’re not only dealing with your anxiety, but other people around you seem to be catching the anxiety bug too and they are weighing heavily on you and you’re starting to buckle under the strain.
So what’s happened?
When you said no to yourself in being able to cope better, you were in fact saying no to helping others cope better too
Your son or daughter who play up when you are at your lowest seem to be playing up more now. Your colleagues seem to be moaning more and becoming less sensitive to your moods. Your partner seems to be more demanding and has forgotten that you have needs to. Your parents seem to be more critical and have forgotten to be thankful for the help and support you give them. Your grandchildren seem to have a less bouncy nature and seem to be missing something. In fact it seems like the whole world is suffering coincidentally at the same time as you are.
And can you guess why?
Everything around you seems to be worse because of you.
And no I’m not blaming you or making you responsible for other people’s reactions. What I am saying is that everyone around you reacts to your vibe and when your vibes are off, theirs gets thrown off too.
Your Mothers Tone Said It All
Do you remember as a child when your mother or father said your name in a certain tone or gave you THAT look you knew you were in trouble? Well when your vibes are off it’s like you are doing the same to others, they know at the unconscious level that things are not right and they react accordingly. So you are smiling less, you are anxious a little bit more, you are more tetchy, less bouncy, and your dial being just 1% off has the domino effect on everyone around you.
Anxiety Is Catching
So when you said no to sorting out your anxiety and changing even just one of your interactions with the people around you, you still affected them just not in the way you intended to.
If we didn’t respond to how other people are in life then we wouldn’t care when someone was being critical of us, or when someone was down or off, or just not with it that day, but we do. We are animals after all and we can sense these things.
Change Your Mood, Change The Mood Of Others
So when you say yes to sorting yourself out and you slowly or quickly get your dial in the right place, it has a huge effect on those around you.
Just think back to when your child was a new born and they responded to your calmer moods by being calm and got fractious when you were more stressed. Or when you snapped at your partner and they responded by snapping back, but the same conversation said in a calmer mood, yielded a different result.
Saying No Is A Good Thing Except When It Isn’t
So this is one time when saying no may seem to protect your sanity, but is in fact making things worse for you and everyone who interacts with you. There’s no getting away from the fact that we all affect each others mood, whether we want to or not. And the best time for you to sort out your anxiety issues is when you least want to, except of course if you live like a hermit and you don’t see or speak to anyone for months on end, but other than that, this is the time to say yes, now, to conquering your anxiety so that at least in your little world, things are calmer and more in control.
And if you’re still not convinced that you saying no to helping yourself conquer your anxiety doesn’t have a negative effect on those around you, see for yourself the next time you’re off your game how others around you react. And when you prove to yourself that this is true, call me and I’ll help you help yourself and those you love the most.
Here’s to experiencing more calm and control
Speak soon
Elaine
