I grew up with those words branded into my mind so deep and so permanently that even to this day, I can hear my mother’s voice shouting that at me, for what seemed like every day of life growing up.
And though for years after I left home, and even years after my mother stopped verbalising those words, I still saw that idea in her responses to me and even if they weren’t there I still thought that this is what she really meant, and I reacted accordingly, by going inward and imploding with self hate and self loathing.
The low self esteem that followed never did me any good, which I’m sure you can guess, and like a fortune teller foretelling my future, it was only a matter of time before I started to worry, stress and respond with anxiety at events others took in their stride.
But why didn’t they react like me? And why did I react as I did?
What Do You Say To Yourself When No One’s Listening?
The long answer is that I didn’t have positive coping strategies and I had negative self talk that made it so that when I shouted at someone, got irritated, lashed out, sulked, and became awkward, it seemed like the most logical thing for me to do.
And later when I worried, became a perfectionist in what I did, tried to please others so they would ‘like’ me, put myself out, and became overly needy this too seemed like the normal thing to do. All the while I was wearing marigold gloves at home to stop from being contaminated by dirt, couldn’t sleep for all the worry, isolated myself from others, and ate to squash down any feelings I had about myself if I thought others didn’t like me.
So there was clearly something wrong here wasn’t there?
So why did I react like this and why doesn’t everyone react ‘badly’?
Before I answer that, let me ask you another question…
What’s the difference between someone who had normal levels of anxiety and someone like me where anxiety stopped us or slowed us down from ever really living up to our potential?
The answer is coping skills.
Is There A Them And Us?
I thought that there were two kinds of people, one set got on with things, never really got down, worked hard, and just bounced back easily from whatever upset they found themselves in. They were typically the most successful people and for them, everything they touch turns to gold.
And then there was the second set, to which I belonged. We stressed about everything, became people pleasers, couldn’t feel okay for more than one day in a row. Ate, drank, shopped, or cleaned obsessively, didn’t sleep, never really felt happy, and bumped our way through life.
If You Chose Unhealthy Coping Strategies Could You Really Conquer Your Anxiety?
What I hadn’t realised is that EVERYONE has and needs coping strategies, it’s just that the so called ‘normal ones’ choose healthy coping strategies and we choose unhealthy ones. And because we choose unhealthy ones most of what we are coping with is the fallout of that.
So if we eat to calm ourselves down, we become more unhealthy and then have to deal with that alongside the original thing that triggered us into feeling anxious. If we drink to cope, then we have to deal with what that does to our health, bank balance and the fallout it has on our relationships. If we procrastinate to cope, then we have to deal with the tasks left unfinished and how that affects others around us.
And because we do this, we then tell ourselves that there must be something wrong with us if all we can do is over drink, smoke or choose some other unhealthy behaviours. And we also tell ourselves that there must be something really wrong with us because we can’t cope with the upsets that everyone has because we need coping strategies to cope.
The Rich and Famous Are Just Average People, Aren’t They?
Our lens puts others on peddlestools, makes them seem better than us in some ways, and we must be flawed because we reason that if we were truly okay then we would just cope and wouldn’t need anything or anyone to help us cope. Basically we put ourselves in a double bind.
And it gets even worse. When we feel ‘bad’ we reason that that we feel bad becaue we are flawed and not that we are human like everyone else. Some how we believe in perfect people who sail through life and though they might get upset, mostly things slide off them like butter off a hot knife.
But what we don’t know is that when the ‘normal’ ones get down, angry and bothered by something, they go for a walk, talk things through with a loved one, read a book, assertively stand their ground, speak their mind, devise a plan, play with their children or even meditate and then decide what to do when they feel calmer and feel better.
And they NEVER take what happens to them or happens because of them PERSONALLY- NEVER!!
And The Beliefs That We Operate By Are Very Different To What They Operate By
As you know, beliefs fuel our behaviours, give us our responses and make us do what we currently do. So what kind of beliefs would we need to have to react as we do?
Do you think we would believe:
- I can’t cope
- Life is too hard
- Other people are better than me
- Why did my mother say that, if she hadn’t then I’d be okay
- It’s not fair
and I’m sure you can think of many, many more
And of our so called ‘normal’ people what would they have to believe to react to life differently than we do?
Maybe they believe:
- If life gives you lemons, make lemonade
- Things are bad right now, but they’ll get better
- I hate that this happened, but I’ll find a way out
- Some people are ahead of me, what can I do to keep up?
- It’s not so bad, I know how to cope with that?
- Who can help me with this, I’m stuck…
Even if I am totally off the mark with what ‘they’ believe, it’s different to what we believe isn’t it?
Can You See That We Are All The Same It’s Just The Coping Strategies ( Fuelled By Our Thoughts) That Make The Difference And Not The Fact That We Feel Anxious?
There may be people who don’t ever feel down, don’t ever get sad, don’t ever respond badly to circumstance, but I bet that’s a mythical person, because humans are human. It’s just that within their heads are drawers and drawers full of ‘ I can cope’ ‘ this too will pass’ type internal voices, whereas ours are filled with room-fulls of ‘ I can’t do this’ ‘I’m not good enough’ ‘ No one loves me’ inner voices and only a couple of files filled with positive inner talk.
It’s totally understandable then that we react badly to circumstance and use whatever resources to hand to squash down our feelings. But if we were them, we’d find other coping strategies such as relaxing, playing a game, cooking etc, all the things we like to do, as a way of managing our stress so that we can clear our heads, think straight and then start to figure out how to deal with issues.
There Really Is No Difference Between Any Of Us And When You Truly Believe This, Things Will Change For You
Don’t you think that’s amazing, that there is no difference between them and us? That they need coping strategies just like we do, that they have off days just like us, that they can’t cope with some stuff just like us, only like the Bank of England reserves, they have a lot more richer reserves to draw upon, than we do!
This totally amazed me when I saw it. I honestly thought that I was so different fundamentally from other people, and even if I managed to manage my anxiety responses, that there was some flaw in me and that I could never be like them. And it’s so not true.
You’re Not Flawed Even If You Think You Are
So what about you, do you think you are different? Do you believe at the fundamental level that you are just like everyone else and the only difference is the coping strategies we use?
Think about it because this really will allow you to move forward and know that you are really okay, you just need to learn more empowering coping strategies, you are not broken or flawed.
Just Because You Don’t Yet Know How To Do Something Doesn’t Mean You Never Will
And do you know what will happen when you get this? When you are triggered again, and you will be, you won’t reach for your disempowering coping strategy you will find a way to cope with something more positive and the more you do that the more you can fill your room with drawers of positive empowering coping strategies and inner self talk.
The only snag to getting from where you are to there, is using a system that can successfully divert your usual thinking from one track to another, and that’s what I can help you do.
Want me to help you with that?
Contact me here and I’ll gladly help
Speak soon
Elaine
