There’s long been a debate between nurture and nature and which one has the biggest impact on whom we end up becoming. The idea that nature is your nature and it cannot be changed is compelling. But the idea that it’s all about environment, and it’s nurture that has the last say in whom we can ultimately become, if you are who you are and unchangeable what does that mean for conquering your anxiety?
I call it your anxiety, but let’s be a little bit more descriptive and call it your anxious nature. So if your anxious nature is caused by the environment, your parent and their parenting style, your schooling, your teachers and other authority figures, why aren’t we all the same, or at least why aren’t we more like those we spent the most time with?
But if your anxious nature is due to your genes, your nature, then why is the self help, and mental health sectors alive, well and thriving and how come some people, such as myself, out runs their nature to become not anxious anymore? (at least averagely anxious as the next person)
I can’t decide categorically whether the way I was and am now was due to my parenting or my schooling or whether if I had been adopted at birth I would be a different person to whom I am now, what I can say is that change is possible.
I know that if I was born in another country with different values I would value different things, so if I was born in USA for instance, I would not have issues with making money, but born in the UK we are more shy of the money things and are less likely to be overt about our capitalist preferences.
And there is no getting away from the idea that how you react to things determines what actions you’ll take and those you will not take, but why then if nature was so weighted to make us who we are, do some people thrive and some others do not? And if it’s more to do with nurture why do siblings from the same family not all end up the same?
One Family, Different Results
I was having a conversation with a father of 4 grown up children, all of whom, it would seem on the surface anyway had similar parenting, yet they all remember different things from when they were growing up and as a consequence have gone on to use those memories to fuel how they see themselves in the world now.
So he has 1 child who saw that she can be anything she chooses and she’s very successful. Another daughter saw that though she had ‘brains’ what she wanted to do the most was be a wife and mother. His son, saw his world as inherently threatening and was not comfortable with venturing out and had mental health issues that needs to be managed, and the last child, he’s just turning into a teenager and so for him it’s all to play for.
So how can this be if nurture or nurture ultimately determines who we end up being?
Who Really Decides Your Fate?
From my own experience, I can see that your upbringing and even your experiences don’t matter as much as you’d think they might, yes you’ll share different values from those who were brought up on the other side of the world, but when it comes to mental health, we, as humans tend to react in pretty much the same way. We all move away from what we don’t like, what scares us, what makes us feel insecure, and all move towards what we like, what makes us feel good and what makes us feel confident.
And we all have different ideas of what is scary and what is exciting.
Part Of Me Wants A versus Parts B Doesn’t and Beyond
And it gets even weirder. In another article I talk about the common phrase, part of me wants x and the other parts wants y.
Did you realise that when you think like that you are effectively acknowledging that we are made up of parts? Even when we say something like I’m in two minds about something, we are saying the same thing. Think of parts as the roles we play in life, so you could be a son, a father, a brother, a cousin, a managing director, a mentor, or a wife, a girlfriend, a sister, an aunt, an executive. And the parts also extend to your hobbies and interests, so you could see yourself as an avid crossword puzzler, or a musician, a cook, a traveller, a thinker…
When you have a decision to make you effectively are fighting against two or more roles that you have within your life. So say you want to hire more staff for your business, you want to grow it, and that appeals to the entrepreneurial side of you, but that would mean longer hours, and less time with your family, which appeals to the connection part of yourself, the decision can have negative impact on both roles that you play, and that’s when a part of you wants A and a part of you wants B.
If this internal war continues and other parts, ie other roles get involved, you’ll be terribly confused, unable to move forward and make what you consider the right decision.
And who chooses which parts gets preference? You do, but it’s based at least in part from your upbringing and what you left your childhood years valuing the most. The clash comes when what your parents value is not necessarily what you value but they have more weight in terms of your actions. ( It’s all fascinating isn’t it, but complex and frustrating when you have to find a way to live with the ramifications of it)
It’s All In The Mind
What this means is that despite your past and how you got to where you are now, if you learnt and believed that it’s all in your head, it’s how you see things that really matters and not what you didn’t get or receive, then you can work with that, because let’s face it, you can’t go back in time and make your parents change how they brought you up. But what you can do is take charge of your mental perceptions, your thinking, your associations, and actively change them so that your associations, or more simply your parenting experiences don’t influence you as much.
Much like deciding to change how you do something, you can decide that your anxieties aren’t going to get in the way of say building your business, and because of that decision you take steps to learn how.
The Future May Be Bright But What Will Make Yours Brighter?
Once you take that decision and make it yours, then the steps to creating your future is already a done deal.
But if you take what you didn’t receive, as proof that there is something wrong with you, compare your circumstances with that of another, then it’s so much harder for you to have that happy existence that we all want.
So though I’m still not sure if nature or nurture play a bigger role in how we all turn out, the issue for me isn’t that it’s one or the other, the real issue here is do you have the necessary thinking capabilities to change how you see something? And given that you more than likely do, when are you going to learn how to change your perceptions so your past doesn’t dictate your future?
Glad you’re here- Let me know how I can help
Speak soon
Elaine
