In the poem, Maud Miller written by John Greenleaf Whittier, he featured the words “For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!” and sums up nicely one of the downsides of conquering your anxiety.
If you came to me wanting to conquer your anxiety, I would help you, if I could. I would never say don’t bother because there is this huge downside, no I’d tell you to get on this path right away.
But I have to admit, this downside, hit me like a tonne of bricks when I first explored the idea getting what I want when I felt too anxious to go for it.
Have You Too Been Holding Yourself Back Just Because Someone Else Might Not Like What You Want To Do?
I couldn’t understand that despite not wanting what people around me wanted, I still people pleased my way through life, just to get their approval on stuff that they wouldn’t want and couldn’t care less about . And though I understood one of the reasons for this, social conditioning, and the fact that I’m female, it was only when I was going through my belief change process, that it hit me…
I have been holding myself and my life back from where I want to be and what I want to do just because someone else didn’t or wouldn’t like it, or they might not like it.
Think about that for a while.
Think about it from your point of view. You want something and you temper what you want just because of the disapproval of others. Even if those others are your family or partner, you are still only going for what you think others would approve of despite wanting more or wanting different.
How Would You Feel If You Really Realised That This Was How You’ve Spent Most If Not All Of Your Adult Life?
For myself it was a hard realisation to swallow, like those gob suckers we used to get as a children, I couldn’t swallow it and it stayed and just put a damper on my mood and on my outlook.
Now I’m not sure if you can understand the gravity of what anxiety reduces us too, because though we can become successful on the outside, that has little to no relation to how we feel about ourselves on the inside.
So you can have a great relationship, have lovely children, even enjoy your work, have a supportive and loving family, have fun times with your friends and be in good to great health, and still not feel great because of your anxiety.
And one aspect of that is people pleasing. Admittedly, men can suffer from this too, but it’s us ladies who feel this more and if we are not careful, we spend our lives being someone else but us, especially if we have children early in life.
So What About This That Has Got My Knickers In A Twist?
It’s the fact that just because we were socialised to look after others, which if you are going to be a mother it’s necessary, right? But that looking after others extends to people pleasing, placating, negotiating, putting to one side our real needs, listening to others, and in short, putting others before ourselves, not just in the home, but at work, with extended family, with the church or it’s equivalents and wherever we find ourselves, that get’s me all riled up.
And that day when, like me, you realise just what you’ve done, that you unconsciously hold back, until you get the all clear that wanting what you want is okay, then it hits hard and you won’t be able to laugh it off, excuse it away, or try and deny it, fact is, if you are a people pleaser, and if you are a woman with anxiety, and I bet you are, you have stopped yourself doing ‘stuff’ just because other people didn’t like it, or didn’t want you to do it, or you think they wouldn’t like it or wouldn’t want you to do it.
Harsh to admit hey!!
And it doesn’t matter the reason behind their reaction.
YOU STOPPED YOURSELF DOING WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED TO DO JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THAT SOMEONE DIDN’T LIKE IT OR DIDN’T WANT YOU TO DO IT.
And if we had not suffered with anxiety, and worried so much about so little, then would we care that our parents didn’t like how you did your hair, didn’t like the colour of your house or that you should be higher up on the totem pole at work, or making more money in business than you are?
Of course not.
Why Does Your Love For Me Hurt Me So Much?
Truth is, if we love or like a person their disapproval hurts more than a complete stranger’s does and though you may not even want to go there, when you look back at your life and notice what you did or didn’t do, was that because of the fear of others disapproval?
For me it was. I geared my life around making sure that I made the least amount of people dislike me or dislike what I was doing, and not because their dislike was too much too bear, but because having to defend myself would be too much, too waring when all I wanted was
‘Well done Elaine, that’s really great’, as a response and not a ‘ Oh that doesn’t sound like a good idea?’
So if you can bear to look at your own life under such a microscope, are you still on the people pleasing path because if you are then effectively you are holding back just because of someone else’s whims, and or values.
If you’ve passed this stage then congrats to you, I wish I had gotten here sooner, believe me.
Life Can Be Overwhelming Enough Without Having To People Please
And if you now realise that anxiety, though a pain in the rear to manage sometimes, like the tentacles of a giant Octopus, the people pleasing aspects really has more of a negative effect on your life than you may care to admit, and now is the time to do something about it.
Because if not now, when? And if not with me, then with whom?
Choose your support crew and really let the people pleasing aspect of living with anxiety, go. Because when you do, you won’t even notice that you don’t care what others think, and your life will be just how you want it to be.
Here’s to never having to say, if only….
Cheers
Elaine
